Thursday, June 13, 2013

Male Homophobic Rules for Public Restrooms

Here are the rules for how real men choose the urinal stall in a public restroom. For these examples, assume there are 5 urinal stalls in the bathroom. Stall A is closest to the entrance, next to the sinks, and Stall E is farthest from the entrance, next to a wall. This is how you select the urinal stall to use. With fewer numbers of urinal stalls, some of these rules can be extrapolated.

When you enter:

There are no urinals, only a peeing trough. Leave. Find another restroom.

1.  No one else there. Take Stall A. It’s closest to the door so you can get in and out quickly. But if the building/location you are at is crowded or busy and there is a good chance someone else will enter while you are there, you have to go to Stall E. You don’t want to look as if you are eagerly waiting another male to enter.

 One stall occupied.

2.  Only one person, in Stall A. Go to Stall E, as far away as you can.

3.  Only one person in Stall B. Same logic applies; go to Stall E to get as far away as you can.

4.  Only one person in either Stall D or E. Go to Stall A, as far away as possible.

5.  Only one person in Stall C. This is NOT a coin flip for either Stall A or E. Choose Stall A. It’s quicker to get out if you can finish before the other guy.

Two stalls occupied.

6. Two people, in Stalls A and B. Go to Stall E. Or better still, get out, because those two guys are questionable.

7.  Stalls D and E occupied. Use the logic in 6.

8.  Stalls A and E occupied.  Go to Stall C. Keep as much space as possible between you and each of them.

9.  Stalls A and D occupied. This is tough. You are going to have to be next to one of them. Try to VERY DISCREETLY ascertain who is closest to finishing. But DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOU CHECKING THEM OUT! In this situation, it might be your best bet to simply wait outside and come back when you see one leave.

10.  Stalls B and E occupied. Use the same logic in 8.

11.  Stalls A and C or C and E occupied.  Easy; go to the end farthest from that pair.

Three stalls occupied. From here on, it gets dicey, and you may just want to exercise the better part of valor and simply leave until the configuration improves.

12.  Stalls A, B and C or Stalls C, D and E occupied. Take the end farthest from the trio.

13.  Stalls A, B and E occupied. Don’t go to Stall D. It will look like you are pairing up. Choose Stall C. To a newcomer entering who knows the rules, it will look like as if all five stalls were full, but one guy just left.

14.  Stalls A, D and E occupied. Same logic as above in 13.

15.  Stalls A, C and E occupied.  Three men together doesn’t look so terrible, because men never do a three-way unless there are 2 women involved. Choose Stall B or D, using the same logic as in 12 and 13 above.

Four stalls occupied.  No matter what configuration this is in, you really only have 2 choices: leave and hope the configuration improves soon, or use one of the toilet stalls. In fact, for real men, that’s always the best choice!

They should post these rules in every mens public restroom, for the young pups just learning the rules, and for Europeans who just don’t get the rules.

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